User blog:Got2BFionaC101/How I've Been Feeling
Alright so I figured I needed to give an explanation of why I left for the week so here it is. Honestly it wasn't just one thing there has been a lot going on in my life lately and I needed a week to just take time for myself. First off I feel like I haven't really shared a certain part of my life with you guys all that much. I think this has been one of the causes of my anxiety kicking up again. I guess I feel like I've never opened up about this because no one really talks about religion and their beliefs all that much on here and I really didn't know how you'd all take it. For those of you who don't know I am a hardcore Christian and I feel like I've never said or shared that enough with you all. And I'm suppose to share my faith and testimony with people but for some reason I was never able to with you guys and honestly I feel like I let myself down by not doing so. I won't get into too much detail but if any of you would like to talk to me about this feel free to because I'm not gonna be ashamed of what I believe in anymore with people. And if you don't then that's fine too I won't be hurt I just want to let you know that this is a huge part of my life (my relationship with God). I know a lot of you probably don't think this is such a big thing but it is to me and I've been beating myself up about this ever since I joined tbh. I'm not saying that joining this wiki has changed me for the bad cause it hasn't, I've made some amazing friendships on here. But I think I use the internet to let out all my feelings inside out, for instance I never swear yet on here I do and I'm gonna try and stop (not saying I mind that you guys do or that it's a bad thing) but it's just not who I am and I hate being dishonest with people. You all have said what a sweet, caring and positive attitude I have and I've obviously shown Christian spirit even though I didn't really talk about it so that makes me feel better that it shows at least. Again sorry if this part sounds dramatic but I needed to get it off my chest. Secondly I've just been dealing with a lot of personal issues such as anxiety, depression and several family issues. As some of you know I've had anxiety problems every since I was nine and it's never stopped. I was having an amazing week but small little attacks started acting up again and I think some of it has to do with what I was gonna say in this blog because I was anxious about it. Like saying all these things is really hard for me to do. I've honestly just not been that happy with the way I've been living my life these days, I mean I still stay positive and occupy my time with things that make me happy but there are certain days when I just shake my head and say to myself "what are you even doing with your life?". I am still trying to finish my online course for being an event planner but I think being alone every day at home has really gotten me down and not motivated to do anything and I hate that about myself. I wanna be able to do things but there are lots of days where I just sit at home watching Netflix and sleeping cause I don't feel like doing anything else. I'm still trying to look for a job but even that I'm anxious about because interviews scare me to death and yes I'm worrying about not doing well at my job or having an attack while on the clock. Also the same with driving...I haven't even started driving yet and I'm 19. I think that scares me too. I've been feeling so much pressure to do all these things from my dad, family members and lots of other people and tbh sometimes when I'm constantly told to do things it makes me wanna do it less. And I hate myself for that but it's how I've been feeling these last couple of years. I rarely see any of my friends and ugh idk I just feel sad a lot of the time but I'm really trying to get better. Now with the family issues my sister (as some of you know) is still a pain to deal with. Sometimes my other sister can be too and the really only family members I see eye to eye with these days are my mom and dad. The one sister's attitude has just gotten to me lately and I know she's going through a lot but whenever she acts a certain way it makes me feel unloved and not wanted to be around. I honestly hate that feeling especially when it's a family member. Also, I just found out today that my great uncle who is very precious to my heart has cancer all over and he doesn't have much time left. That's really hit me hard...he was best friend's with my grandpa who passed away 4 years ago and it's just gonna be really hard to lose him too seeing as he would always make me laugh. I can't even imagine how my great aunt feels right now...we're gonna try and visit him on Sunday but I pray God gives me the strength to see him seeing as it could very well be the last time. Anyways this isn't a beg for attention and I don't want you all to pity me from now on or anything I just had to let my feelings out and be honest with you guys because I do consider you guys my family and I didn't want you worrying about why I was absent. Now with all this to say I really am going to limit my time on here now cause I really need to focus on getting better and being there for my family so I can't guarentee I'm gonna be on here constantly but I do wanna keep in contact with you guys to see how everyone is doing. I'm still the same Tori and I'm always gonna be here for you guys when you need me...that's never gonna change. I love you guys and I wanted to let this all out because of that. I hope you all don't look at me differently, but I knew I needed to open up about myself. Category:Blog posts